love note

I have had kind of a hard week. Unfortunately, a lot of the problems are self induced. I seem to have been angry at Tom, the world, and of course myself. Tom left for a three day trip this morning. I found this note when I woke up...

The little things really do make a big difference! Thanks Tom! 

Here I go again!

For some reason, I am feeling drawn to blog again.

I am not sure if it all that is happening in the world this week...
     terrorist attacks in Paris, Beruit, and Baghdad
     the murder of Amanda Blackburn, the pregnant wife of a Indianpolis pastor
     the suicide of a fifth grader at a school in Andy's district
     the political debates

or maybe it's about what is happening in my family...
     my parents aging
     Tom and my aging
     my kids hectic lives
     my grandchildren growing up

or maybe it's personal...
     my 58th (and Dad's 83rd) birthday this coming Wednesday
     feeling better, but still battling depression, migraines, and some vertigo

But whatever the reason, here I go again!

Baby Steps

It has been almost ten months since I have blogged. Ten months that have been pretty dark for me. Depression has almost overwhelmed me. As if the depression wasn't bad enough, I started having severe episodes of virtigo...Leaving me pretty much housebound. And then there was this winter! Enough said!!

I want out of this rut. I want out of my house. I want my life back. I'm not sure how to accomplish this, but I think it is too big of task unless I break it down in to very small increments. Baby steps. Maybe even just a baby step at a time.

So for today my baby step is this blog!

Meeting the Coop Keeper

I finally got to meet Jayme, the Coop Keeper!

Almost two years ago, I found talefromthecoopkeeper@blogspot.com and from the very first post I read I was hooked.  Jayme's bio reads, "I'm a 51-derful year old wannabe farm girl, living in NW Indiana, renovating and decorating an old farmhouse built in 1869.  I'm smitten with chickens, gardening, beekeeping, vintage campers, fitness, cooking, baking, and all things home. I live in an apron. I've recently lost 100lbs and have a few to spare. Welcome to my world."

It's funny, but that is exactly what reading her blog has done-- it let me into her world.  Many bloggers invite you to read about their lives...like reading a magazine or watching a tv show-- you can learn about who they are, what they do, and where they live; but you are not allowed to participate.  Jayme invites you to share her life. 

So, for the last two years, I have gotten to know Jayme.  I have laughed at her antics: walking to a neighbor's house in a snowstorm, tucking chicks in her bra to keep them warm, making movies with Aaron, and of course there is Helene! I have cried when she experienced loss: Aaron going away to school, her cat Jinksie and her banty hen Sissie passing away.  I encouraged her on her weight loss journey. She encouraged me to join her for "Boot Camp" and was still my friend when I quit the program. We have talked through comments on her blog, email, and even telephone calls...but we hadn't gotten to meet face to face.

Finally last week we got our chance.  Jayme hosted a open house on Saturday.  As soon as I read the
invitation on her blog, I wrote back that I would be there unless there was a snow storm and I couldn't find a snowplow to follow, or sled dogs to pull me, or a helicopter to drop me in.

Thankfully, Saturday arrived and the weather cooperated. I drove to Crowne Point, which is about two hours north of Indianapolis. Typical of me I had her address, but didn't get directions. It took me about 20 extra minutes to find her house, but finally I was there.  I recognize her house, her yard, and her vintage camper from her blog pictures!  I knocked on the front door, Jayme's friend open the door I heard her laugh coming from the kitchen, and a few more steps and there she was: all smiles and laughs and big hugs! 

I spent the next few hours meeting her husband and a few of her friends, touring her house, snacking, sipping tea (with honey from her bee hives!), sharing our lives, and of course laughing.  The time went by too quickly and it was soon time for me to head home.  I left with two rabbit figurines,
Spring Chicken Serum and lip balm made by Jayme, a vintage tablecloth, a dishcloth, some Easter candy, and plans to return in the summer! 

I encourage you to read Tale from a Coop Keeper. You will laugh, shed a few tears, and make a new friend... then maybe you can take a drive with me this summer to Crowne Point!

wrestling with God

I feel like I have been sick my whole life.  I have written many times about my struggle with depression.  But that is not what I am writing about today.  No, today I am struggling with my other life long sickness... motion sickness.

To many motion sickness is a malady they have while riding in a car or sailing in a boat or flying in a plane.  The terrible nausea that is associated with the movement of the car or the rocking of the boat or the shivering of the plane during turbulence.  The sickness that makes it difficult and uncomfortable to travel.  If you suffer from motion sickness, you know what I am talking about: the nausea, the sudden heat flash, the feeling of spinning, even the sensitivity to light and noise.  Thankfully there is Dramamine.

Yes, I suffer from traveling motion sickness, but mine goes a little farther than that.  I get sick when I swim or even just float in the water.  I get sick when I rock in a rocking chair.  I get sick watching my grandchildren twirl.  I get sick when I vacuum.  I get sick when I unload the dryer or the dishwasher.  I get sick when I clean the shower or the tub.  I get sick when I lean down to shave my legs.  I get sick when I exercise. I even get sick when I go shopping.  And the list goes on and on.

Dramamine often keeps me from getting sick, unfortunately not always.  I took Dramamine before I started to clean today.  I got my office dusted and vacuumed, but then I started to feel sick.  I had to stop and lie down.

I am lying down and feeling sorry for myself and doing some wrestling with God.  I have been incredibly blessed by God.  I know this.  I am even trying to keep a list of the gifts that He gives me (One Thousand Gifts by Ann Vankamp).  Yet, today I am questioning why I am so blessed, but often can't enjoy those blessings.  God has given me a loving husband, but I can't do many of the things that he would enjoy doing.  Then there are Andy and Matt, Kelly, Amelia and Asher, family, and friends that I am also limited in what activities that I can enjoy with them.  God has given me a beautiful house, but I get sick when I clean it.  There are so many things that I want to do, but can't.  I am wrestling with God.

Jacob wrestled with God.  I read about it this morning in Genesis.  He wrestled all night.  I'm not really sure what Jacob wrestled with God about.  I know that Jacob was on his way home and was about to face his brother Esau, whom had sworn to kill him for stealing their father's blessing.  I know that Jacob was afraid for his life and also the life of his wives and children.  Was Jacob wrestling with God because God had told him to go home...or was it about how Jacob was suppose to handle Esau... or was it much deeper and Jacob was wrestling with God over whether Jacob would accept God as his God?  In the end Jacob walked with a limp, was blessed by God, and had his name changed to Israel.

So, today I am wrestling with God.  What will be the outcome?  I don't know.  I do know that any time spent with God brings change... a deeper understanding of who God is, who I am, and how much He loves me.

Lamictal

I had just about finished writing this blog describing, in great detail, what has happened since my doctor prescribed Lamictal. By the time I got to paragraph four even I was bored...so here are the highlights:

Dr. Cobb prescribes Lamictal to help boost my medications that I take for depression.

Emotionally, I feel better than I have in a long time.

Physically, I start to experience side effects... nausea, nightmares, a rash.

I decide to continue medication until I see my doctor in January.

One week before I see Dr. Cobb, I can't take it anymore and reduce dosage...I know, I know, I don't recommend that anyone would change medication or dosage without talking to their doctor.

Feel a little better when I see Dr. Cobb. She is concerned with the side effects also. She recommends that instead of taking the pills before bed that I should take them at dinner time. We schedule a follow up in three weeks.

I can't wait that long! I am sick and tired of being nauseous. I am cutting down the dosage to one pill. If I am not feeling better in a week, I will call my doctor.

I just hate that we find something that makes me feel better emotionally and it makes me sick physically!

Glory

Today I was reading Psalms 3:3.  It says:  But Thou O Lord are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. Those words are in one of my oldie but goody choruses, but today the words "my glory" stuck in my mind.

According to Strongs glory means to make or appear glorious, splendor, brightness, majesty, the glorious moral attribute and infinite perfection of God. (Don't you hate when the definition uses the word it is suppose to be describing!)

Rick Warren wrote: Glory is who God is: the essence the weight of His importance, the radiance of His splendor, the demonstration of His power, the atmosphere of His presence. (I love this definition of God's glory!)

So in this verse in Psalms do you think that David is claiming God, who is glorious, is his God or do you think that David is saying any glory that he has is a reflection of God's glory?

I Hate Change

"I hate change.  I hate change.  I hate change."  I may not verbalize it that often, but it is a thought that circulates through my brain often.  Lately, I have hated the change from my laptop to an IPad.  Yes, my old laptop was slowly but surely dying and when Tom got me an IPad for my birthday I was excited... but that was before I realized that the format would be so different.  I hate that I have to learn a new way of doing things.

Yesterday, I wrote a blog.  Unfortunately, when I wanted to add photos I realized that I didn't know how.  I tried a few things, but then gave up.  Next, I went to publish the blog and I couldn't figure out how to post it.  I tried a few things, but nothing worked... and I ended up losing the whole thing!  I had to write the blog again and worry that I would lose the new copy too.  Thankfully, I was successful on this second try, but. it was very frustrating!

So today I was wishing that I could have my old laptop back and I didn't have to learn this new system.   The "I hate change.  I hate change.  I hate change." mantra was circling my brain. Then I realized that without change there couldn't be "renewal".  Isn't that what my word for 2013 is about.  I can't be "renewed" unless I let God change me.  I need to learn to embrace change.  It won't be easy.  My new mantra needs to be:

                          "I want change!  I want change!  I want change!" 

I Love January

I love January.  It's not the weather, although so far this year it hasn't been bad.  No, it's because in January I go into an organizing and cleaning frenzy.  I organize...my life, calendar, house.

I start by picking my word for the year.  This year it is "renewal," which goes along well with my organizing and cleaning frenzy.  I choose a system for reading the Bible through.  I start a new prayer journal.  I set some goals for the new year.

Next, I organize my new calendar.  I put in information...birthdays, anniversaries, and phone numbers.

Then comes the organizing and cleaning of our house.  This year I started in my office.  The closet in my office contains paperback books, Bible studies, photographs (which I organized last year!), sewing things, crafts, vases, wrapping paper, and miscellaneous things that gather over time.  I got rid of many paperback books since I now read my books on my IPad.  I organized my sewing things and craft boxes.  I organized my wrapping paper by putting the wrapping paper in a shoe rack that is turned on it's side to keep the paper from falling everywhere, put a nail in the wall to hang the gift bags, used baskets for ribbons and bows.  I removed a small file cabinet that I wasn't using.  Then I moved on to the rest of the room.  I have kept my desk fairly organized so I put away the clutter gathered on top and dusted.  I dusted the remaining furniture and baseboards. I then vacuumed.   Office finished!

The next room I tackled was the kitchen.  Our pantry is in need of cleaning and organizing, but I need to buy new containers...so I will work on the pantry later.  I put away clutter.  I wiped down the counters, cabinets, appliances, and baseboards.  I vacuumed the floors and then mopped.  Kitchen finished!

Next I will clean and organize the living room, dining room, and entry.  Followed by the guest rooms, bathrooms, and master bedroom.

I wish I could say that I keep our house organized and clean the rest of the year, but that never happens.  At least I start out right.  I love January!  



* I was going to include some before and after pictures, but I haven't figured out how to download pictures with my IPad yet.

2013

Here we are at the beginning of a new year. Again this year Andy, Kelly, Matt, Tom and I decided to forgo resolutions and instead each pick a word that we would like to be our focus. I had a hard time picking my word this year.

Last year I had chosen the word "health". It was my goal to live a healthier life... physically. mentally, and spiritually. Needless to say, it didn't turn out the way I had planned. Starting in May, I fell into a deep depression. My medication had stopped working and it took most of the rest of the year to find new medicines that would work. We are still working on getting the right dosage.

After the year I had, I struggled to think of a word that wouldn't overwhelm me. A word that would encourage me and give me a direction. but not add more anxiety to my life. I asked my family for help. We decided that what I needed most this year was to be renewed.

As I have thought about the word renewal over the last few days, the Bible verse that says God will restore what was eaten in the years of the locust (Joel 2:25) keeps coming to mind. I am not sure if that is what God has planned for me this year, but I know that any true renewal can only come from Him.

So my word for 2013 is "renewal"

Tuesday's Trip to Chicago

On Tuesday Tom and I drove to Chicago.  We met Matt at 

Uncommon Ground at 9am.  It was so good to see him, even if he was tired (he had been up until 4am talking with his new roommates, Josh and Megan.) After breakfast, we went to see his apartment. It was recently remodeled and was really nice.  Now they just have to find the time to get totally moved in and get rid of the boxes! 

We then drove to McHenry for my some-what-annual check up with Dr. Kohn. I haven't been feeling that great, so he decided to make some changes in my medications. Sure hope that helps.

Long day of driving.... maybe next time we should plan to spend the night!

change

It's been over a month since I have blogged.... and wouldn't you know the format has changed. I signed on and it looks completely different.  Have I told you how much I hate change! I hate change! I don't like new things. Oh, Okay there are some new things that I like: new clothes, fresh chocolate chip cookies, flowers blooming, a manicure. But why do other things have to change?

My father had a stroke this week.

I hate change!

"When I gave you My Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond you natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength but Mine, which is limitless." Jesus Calling

II Corinthians 5:7 for we walk by faith, not by sight.

Galatians 5:25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.

*****

I have been upset about the lack of energy that I have been feeling lately. I need to stop worrying about what I can't do and concentrate on what God can do!! What about you?

*****

one thousand gifts

598. working in the garden

599. dinner with the Shores

600. my strength in Jesus

security

"I want you to realize how utterly secure you are! Even if you falter as you journey through life, I will never let go of your hand...Knowing that your future is absolutely assured can free you to live abundantly today." Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Psalm 37:23-24 The steps of a man are established by the Lord; and He delight in His way. When he falls, he shall not be hurled headlong; because the Lord is the One who holds his hand.

*****

Jesus is there holding our hand at all times. We will fall, but He will hold on and help us up!

*****

one thousand gifts

594. Asher feeling better

595. being able to pick Amelia up at pre-school

596. Tom and Amelia holding hands and talking

597. knowing Jesus is holding my hand

needs

"The world is a needy place; do not go there for sustenance. Instead, come to Me.Learn to depend on Me alone, and you weakness will become saturated with My power. When

you find your completeness in Me, you can help other people

without using them to meet your own needs."

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Galatians 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control...

*****

Where do we go when we are in need? Do we turn to Jesus or do we try to do it ourselves or do we look to others? Jesus is the only one who can fulfill our need.

*****

one thousand gifts

591. a beautiful day

592. strength for today

593. answers to all my needs

single-mindedness

"Save your best striving for seeking My Face... you must seek Me above all else. Anything that you desire more than Me becomes an idol...Instead of single-mindedly pursuing some goal, tralk with Me about it...If the cogal fits into My plans for you, I will help you reach it."

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Matthew 6:33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you.

*****

Isn't it easy to get some goal in your head that you let it become single-minded about the goal instead of single-minded about God? I know that my losing weight is a goal that God desires for me, but it can not become my main focus. I can not let it rule my day or how I am feeling. How about you? Is there something that you have become single-minded about? Let's try and focus on God today instead.

*****

one thousand gifts

587. robins signalling spring is almost here

588. sleeping babies

589. loosing wight

590. Jesus my hearts desire

the day ahead

"Let Me help you through this day. The challenges you face are far too great for you to handle alone. You are keenly aware of you helplessness in the scheme of events you face. This awareness opens up a choice: to doggedly go it alone or to walk with Me in humble steps of dependence." Jesus Calling

Psalm 63:7-8 For Thou hast been my help, and in the shadow of Thy wings I sing for joy. My soul clings to Thee; Thy right hand upholds me.

*****

I'm not sure if the day ahead seems too daunting or if I am just tired or maybe a little depressed, but today is one of those days that I would like to just go back to bed. How about you? It is good to know that whatever we face or however we feel, we are not alone. Jesus is with us.

*****

one thousand gifts

585. sunshine and warmer weather

586. Jesus, always with me

no tooth today

I went to the dentist today thinking that I would finally be getting my implant front tooth, but no. The dentist took impressions so that a custom post could be made. That may take up to a couple of weeks. Then my dentist will make a tooth that goes on the post. That could take a day or two. So for now, I am stuck with my little fake tooth on a flipper or going without a tooth as pictured here:

Yeah, I think I'll stick with the flipper in!

anxious thoughts

"When something in your life or thoughts makes you anxious, come to Me and talk about it."

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Philippians 4:6 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your request be made know to God.

Isaiah 26:3 The steadfast of mind Thou will keep in perfect peace. Because he trusts in Thee.

*****

What ever is bothering us this morning, God wants us to talk to Him about it. That is how we will find peace in any situation.

*****

one thousand gifts

573. strength for today

574. talking to God about worries

the path

"You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts.

I am leading you along the way I designed for you."

Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light to my path.

*****

The path you are on is where Jesus wants you to be. He has brought you to this place for a reason. Walk with Him and listen to Him. Don't keep questioning. He has a plan for you.

*****

one thousand gifts

569. finishing Beth Moore's "Mercy Triumphs"

570. beautiful "spring" day

571. Tom's energy when I have none

572. the path I am on