wrestling with God

I feel like I have been sick my whole life.  I have written many times about my struggle with depression.  But that is not what I am writing about today.  No, today I am struggling with my other life long sickness... motion sickness.

To many motion sickness is a malady they have while riding in a car or sailing in a boat or flying in a plane.  The terrible nausea that is associated with the movement of the car or the rocking of the boat or the shivering of the plane during turbulence.  The sickness that makes it difficult and uncomfortable to travel.  If you suffer from motion sickness, you know what I am talking about: the nausea, the sudden heat flash, the feeling of spinning, even the sensitivity to light and noise.  Thankfully there is Dramamine.

Yes, I suffer from traveling motion sickness, but mine goes a little farther than that.  I get sick when I swim or even just float in the water.  I get sick when I rock in a rocking chair.  I get sick watching my grandchildren twirl.  I get sick when I vacuum.  I get sick when I unload the dryer or the dishwasher.  I get sick when I clean the shower or the tub.  I get sick when I lean down to shave my legs.  I get sick when I exercise. I even get sick when I go shopping.  And the list goes on and on.

Dramamine often keeps me from getting sick, unfortunately not always.  I took Dramamine before I started to clean today.  I got my office dusted and vacuumed, but then I started to feel sick.  I had to stop and lie down.

I am lying down and feeling sorry for myself and doing some wrestling with God.  I have been incredibly blessed by God.  I know this.  I am even trying to keep a list of the gifts that He gives me (One Thousand Gifts by Ann Vankamp).  Yet, today I am questioning why I am so blessed, but often can't enjoy those blessings.  God has given me a loving husband, but I can't do many of the things that he would enjoy doing.  Then there are Andy and Matt, Kelly, Amelia and Asher, family, and friends that I am also limited in what activities that I can enjoy with them.  God has given me a beautiful house, but I get sick when I clean it.  There are so many things that I want to do, but can't.  I am wrestling with God.

Jacob wrestled with God.  I read about it this morning in Genesis.  He wrestled all night.  I'm not really sure what Jacob wrestled with God about.  I know that Jacob was on his way home and was about to face his brother Esau, whom had sworn to kill him for stealing their father's blessing.  I know that Jacob was afraid for his life and also the life of his wives and children.  Was Jacob wrestling with God because God had told him to go home...or was it about how Jacob was suppose to handle Esau... or was it much deeper and Jacob was wrestling with God over whether Jacob would accept God as his God?  In the end Jacob walked with a limp, was blessed by God, and had his name changed to Israel.

So, today I am wrestling with God.  What will be the outcome?  I don't know.  I do know that any time spent with God brings change... a deeper understanding of who God is, who I am, and how much He loves me.